hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
we should paint friendship bongs
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