Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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