I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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