im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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