i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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