I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
