I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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