Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
