Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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