Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
