remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Randomize
