my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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