u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
