haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
What drink are we having for lunch?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
