apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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