Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
