HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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