When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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