Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
