imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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