We're like a lot better than the average bears
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
