I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
