Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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