I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
