This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just high enough for therapy.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
