K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
