i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
