You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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