I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
