Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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