what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
