My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
