You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
