Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
