if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
