I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Dick very happy bro
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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