Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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