You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
