mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sober January is a disaster.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
