why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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