I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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