The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
