Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
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I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
