So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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