Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
