Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Apparently you make a good broom.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
