I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
