If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The best revenge is premature balding
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
