After last night, I could never be a politician.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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