I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
