Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
false alarm, still single
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
