The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
