i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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